Thursday, April 3, 2008

The Secret Fate of Adolf Hitler!

The picture I posted earlier is none other than the cover to an issue of Strange Adventures, specifically issue #3 with its cover date of December 1950. I had been perusing it during a bout of insomnia because nothing relaxes the mind like a nutty collection of sci-fi stories from the end of the Truman administration. While the cover claims "amazing science-fiction" lies within, the real gold is the third story where we finally learn the truth about what happened to everyone's favorite paper hanger. That business about him dead in the bunker with Eva Braun? Total crap. Check it out...


Smart guy that Hitler. All he has to do is shave off that Charlie Chaplin mustache and he can just blend into the local scene. Genius! Unfortunately for Adolf, his fool-proof plan never happens because he's arrested by Martians:


Umm... yeah. Evidently Mars runs on the rocket docket with Der Fuhrer immediately put on trial. Oh, and the legal tradition there are hats made of awesome and masks for lawyers so they don't get their butts kicked by losing defendants:


Because Hitler is (putting it incredibly mildly) history's biggest jerk, he's sentenced to exile aboard a rocketship when his lawyer fails to get him executed. We end this tale succinctly in a style that will be later known as "Serling-esque":


So there you have it folks. Somewhere out there in the far reaches of the universe is a Martian rocket floating in the cosmos containing the remains of one Adolf Hitler. The moral of the story: Don't piss off the Martians. So NASA, quit sending those probes.

3 comments:

smacky said...

So, the Martians grabbed him before he could shave off the mustache?

De said...

They did indeed. Those Martians are not only fast, but handy with a towel.

Bill D. said...

"Martians! From the planet Mars?"

"No, actually. Mars, Kansas, actually. Happens a lot... we're used to it. Anyway, yeah, we're still shooting you into space, though."

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